Dating, relationships and autism

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Dating, relationships and autism
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Dating and forming romantic and/or sexual relationships can be exciting and empowering for people on the autism spectrum.

Relationships with others give us a sense of belonging and love, and developing romantic and intimate relationships is just one form of connection. Many people desire these relationships as they reach adolescence or adulthood.

Everyone has the right to build relationships with others in a respectful and healthy way, but we all need a little help navigating the complexity of dating and intimacy. For some autistic individuals, seeking support can help overcome difficulties in starting or maintaining a relationship. Support might be needed to develop skills in reciprocal communication, understanding compromise, or dealing with miscommunication, and some autistic people may want assistance with the sensory aspects of sex and sexuality.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and communication. Couples who respect each other communicate openly and honestly about their feelings, needs and expectations and listen actively to their partner in return. They also support each other’s goals, aspirations and life paths. 

It is normal for couples to disagree at times—no two people will agree on everything. In a healthy relationship, different opinions and ways of doing things are respected, and couples prioritise compromises and solutions rather than ‘being right.’ 

Couples with a strong relationship will also respect each other’s safety, privacy and boundaries. There is also trust in the other person, which remains in both good times and bad.

First dates and early days of a relationship

First dates can be exciting yet nerve-wracking, especially when meeting someone new. This anticipation, mixed with anxiety, can make it easy to overlook red flags that might impact your safety. It's important to remember some important safety considerations, allowing you to focus on enjoying your time and getting to know your date.

Establish boundaries early

Setting and communicating your boundaries before heading out on a date is essential. It's perfectly acceptable whether you prefer not to be hugged or touched at the first meeting. Letting your date know your comfort levels helps avoid any uncomfortable situations.

Choose a public place

Choose a public date location, such as a café, park, or museum. A public place adds a layer of security and makes it easier to leave if you ever feel uncomfortable.

Share your plans

Inform a friend or family member about your date plans. Share details such as the person’s name, the venue, and the expected duration of the date. Arrange a check-in time to confirm your safety post-date. This way, someone knows your whereabouts and can act if they don’t hear from you.

Watch your food and drinks

Always keep your food and drinks within sight. If your drink tastes off or you start feeling unwell, it might have been tampered with. To stay prepared, learn how to handle suspected drink-spiking incidents.

Check-in with yourself

Check-in with yourself and see how you feel during the date. Ensure your date respects your boundaries and engages in respectful conversation. If you sense any disrespect or feel unsafe, trust your instincts.

Seek help if you need it

If you feel unsafe and can’t reach someone via phone, seek assistance from nearby individuals or venue staff. Many places have protocols for discreetly helping people in distress.

Online dating

Online dating offers many benefits, especially for the autistic community. It allows individuals to connect with like-minded people and eliminates some pressures from face-to-face interaction. However, online interactions also come with safety risks that everyone should be aware of.

What is catfishing?

Catfishing involves someone using a false identity to establish a deceptive relationship with you online. The person engaging in catfishing, known as a catfish, may have various motives, such as scamming you for money, blackmailing you with intimate images (known as sextortion), or stealing your identity. They create a fake persona, often using stolen photos and fabricated stories, to lure you into a false sense of trust and intimacy.

Typically, a catfish sets up a fake account with a detailed backstory and fake photos. They might impersonate someone attractive or famous to grab your attention or pretend to share common interests to build a quick rapport. They send photos claiming to be of them but always have excuses for not showing themselves on video. They shower you with compliments, affection, and even gifts to make you feel special and create a sense of obligation. Once trust is established, they ask for personal information, money, or intimate images. As you comply with their requests, the demands escalate, often leading to blackmail.

Warning signs of catfishing

Recognising the warning signs of catfishing can help you avoid being manipulated or scammed. Here are some things to look out for:

Account features

Some features of a user’s social media profile indicate that they could be catfish:

  • No mutual friends or real-life connections
  • Small social media presence (e.g., low friend or follower count, very few posts and a lack of engagement with other users)
  • Posts with photos or videos that look stolen, faked or heavily edited. You can use image search tools like the reverse image search on Google Images or TinEye to see if photos have been stolen.
Behaviour

Someone who is trying to catfish you will be looking for something they can get or steal from you. This could be money (e.g., bank transfers, gift cards or other financial assistance), passwords or other sensitive information about you. 

A catfish will try to progress your relationship to get what they want very quickly. Many will quickly try to move your conversation to a private messaging app to make it more difficult for you to report them once they are exposed. They might make strong or dramatic expressions of their love for you without having known you for very long (also referred to as ‘love-bombing’). Be aware of anyone who seems ‘too good to be true.’

Catfishes will also avoid doing or saying certain things to keep their real identity a secret. They will often refuse to video call or chat with you, and might blame this on technical issues. Many will share stories about their life that they cannot prove actually happened.

Catfishing: what to do

If you suspect you’re being catfished, taking immediate action is essential. Stop the conversation if you feel uncomfortable or suspicious. Don’t share any more personal information or money, and take the time to verify the person’s identity. Check your online accounts for any suspicious activity and secure them if necessary. Take screenshots of the fake profile and report it to the platform, then block the account to prevent further contact.

If you are being blackmailed, do not pay the blackmailer or provide more intimate content. Victims over the age of 18 can report the user to the platform they are messaging on and/or eSafety. Confidential counselling and support can also be helpful.

Using image search tools can help you verify the authenticity of profile photos. Google Images allows you to enter the person’s name and click on the 'Images' tab to see photo results. You can also use Google’s reverse image search to upload an image and check if it has been used elsewhere. TinEye offers another option for performing a reverse image search: uploading an image or pasting its URL. Checking the context in which an image has been used can help identify if it has been taken out of context to create a fake identity.

Preventing catfishing

Taking proactive steps can significantly reduce the risk of being catfished. Protect your personal information by adjusting privacy settings on social media and controlling what you share and who can see your posts. Limit the amount of personal details you reveal online, such as your full name, date of birth, and address. Use reverse image search tools to check the authenticity of profile photos and verify if the person has a consistent presence across multiple social media platforms.

Be sceptical of rapid expressions of intimacy and avoid rushing into relationships online. Take your time to get to know someone and don’t feel pressured to move the conversation off the initial platform. Most importantly, never share your passwords or passphrases with others, and be cautious about sharing personal information without being aware you’re doing it.

When someone is using your information to catfish

Discovering someone is impersonating you online can be distressing. Report the fake account to the social media platforms or services where it exists, providing screenshots and other evidence to support your claim. Ensure your accounts are secure and check for any suspicious activity. Update your passwords to be strong and unique to prevent unauthorised access.

Managing relationships

Sensory sensitivities

Relationships involve many sensory experiences, and many autistic individuals have sensory sensitivities which cause them to process sensory infomation differently. These can be triggered during physical contact. Some autistic people might not like being hugged due to the sensation it brings, or they might prefer firm hugs or only like being hugged for a limited time before becoming overwhelmed.

Intimate relationships can involve sexual touching, and it is important to respect the other person’s sensory needs for a positive intimate experience. Some might dislike the feeling of bodily fluids, leading to nausea and aversion, or have aversions to certain smells, such as body odour or scented hygiene products. It is important to clearly communicate your likes and aversions to your partner so they can respect your needs.

Resolving conflicts

Handling conflicts effectively is another essential aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. Staying calm and composed during conflicts, listening to your partner’s perspective without interrupting, and expressing your feelings and concerns clearly and respectfully can help resolve disagreements. Finding common ground and working towards mutually acceptable solutions is crucial. If conflicts persist, seeking help from a therapist or counsellor might be beneficial -you can scroll to the bottom of this page for further support.

Remember, all relationships require work and have their ups and downs. Every couple can expect to be impacted by differences of opinion, life stressors, conflicts, and arguments, even in healthy relationships. No relationship is perfect or always harmonious, and that is very normal. What matters is that you and your partner approach any challenges safely and respectfully.

Personal safety

Personal safety is one of the most important factors in any relationship, whether you are just starting out or have been in a relationship for a while. Feeling safe is crucial, and advocating for yourself is essential. Be clear on what you expect in dating and relationships. The clearer you are on what you want and are comfortable with, the safer you will be.

Advocating for yourself involves learning to be assertive in uncomfortable situations. Talking to close friends for advice and practising assertiveness with them can be helpful. Recognising the signs of dangerous situations, such as if you are alone with someone who starts making unwanted advances, is also important. Keeping your drink within sight can prevent drink spiking when out with people you do not know. If someone offers to buy or give you a drink, it is safer to say no or ensure you see it poured. Having a trusted friend look out for you can also provide additional safety.

Consent is a critical aspect of personal safety. Consent means agreeing to do something or allowing someone to do something to you willingly and without coercion. This includes being sexual with someone, where it is important to agree and feel comfortable with the situation actively.

Living together

When considering living with someone, it's essential to think about how long you have known them and whether you need more time to get to know them before moving in together. Reflect on whether they do things that make you frustrated or uncomfortable and how you will feel if these behaviours continue once you are living together. It's also important to consider if you can continue activities you enjoy after moving in together or if you will need to give them up, which might require evaluating if the relationship is right for you.

Compromise will always be necessary, as everyone cannot always get everything they want. Financial aspects of living together should also be considered, including who will pay for what. Remember, living together is not a requirement for a relationship; many couples enjoy their own space and prefer to spend only short amounts of time together or have their own homes designed to suit their needs.

Professional support

Therapy and support can help autistic individuals navigate dating and relationships. Professional support can provide strategies and tools to handle the unique challenges in relationships. Individual therapy can help you understand your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, improve your communication skills and build your self-esteem. Couples therapy provides a space for both partners to discuss issues and work towards solutions. Support groups offer valuable insights and emotional support by connecting with others who have similar experiences. Educational resources, such as books, workshops, and online materials, can provide practical advice and strategies.

Unhealthy and abusive relationships

Sometimes, relationships can become unhealthy. Whether this is in the early days of a new relationship or decades into a marriage, concerns about an unhealthy relationship should be taken seriously. Here are some signs that your relationship might not be healthy:

  • Unequal workloads (e.g., housework, childcare)
  • Frequent arguments or insults
  • Lack of support, particularly during difficult times
  • Co-dependency (becoming dependent on you for everything or vice versa) 
  • Broken promises and dishonesty
  • Disregard for your boundaries
  • ‘Love bombing’ - manipulating someone with excessive and extravagant gifts, attention or displays of affection
  • Isolation from friends and family
  • Humiliation, insults, and ableism
  • Rude to other people but nice to you - their niceness may not be genuine
  • ‘Gaslighting’ - manipulating someone into questioning their own memory, sanity and reality
  • Manipulation and being controlled – being made to do things you don’t want to
  • A narcissistic partner
  • Disrespect
  • Giving in to your partner to make them happy or to keep the peace
  • Fear of your partner or being afraid to speak up for fear of retaliation
  • Criticism of how you look or your intelligence
  • Concerns from your family and friends about your partner’s behaviour

Sometimes, a relationship can become abusive. Abuse doesn’t just involve causing physical harm; it can appear in various forms and can be very subtle, making it difficult for outside observers and even victims to notice that it is happening. Our website contains articles about abusive relationships and what to do to keep yourself safe.

Support options

You're not alone if you and your partner need support to address issues in your relationship. Seeking help will only benefit you as individuals and a couple and is never something to be ashamed of. You can find a list of support services here:‍

If you are in a crisis, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800 RESPECT. In an emergency, contact 000.

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Helpful links

Relationship support - Relationships Australia
Crisis helpline - 1800RESPECT
Dating safely on the autism spectrum - AAA
Relationship goals - Family Planning NSW